A quiet Birthday

Dylan,

You will be three years old very soon. I cant believe that. It seems like only yesterday that we were worried we would never even have a child. After three long years of trying, we conceived you! We could not have been more excited to welcome you! The overwhelming love I had for you when you were born was palpable. It was like a ton of bricks and I felt instantly connected to you. You cried when you were born but the moment you were laid on my chest I looked at you and said “hey baby” and you instantly looked up at me and stopped crying. In that moment no one else was in the room. Just us. I will cherish that moment until my death. That moment could carry me the rest of my life. Thank you my boy.

I believe God gave me that sweet moment because he knew I would reflect on it in our hard times. To say this year has been a hard one would be an understatement. SO much has changed in your little world and that moment with you has carried me through this entire year. From me losing my job (while pregnant with baby sister) and having to remove you from your safe, loving, constant daycare family, to your daddy changing jobs, to you gaining a sibling and lastly a room of professionals watching your every move and giving you a diagnosis of Autism. This would all be a lot for any single person but my boy you took it in stride.

Many people have told me that birthdays are hard as a special needs parent. This is your first birthday with a known diagnosis. I would say so far they are right. I think back to my dreams for you when you were a tiny human growing inside me. I have been thinking back to a year ago when you could say ” TWO!” . You lost that word along with a few others. I lost those dreams, I lost those hopes. I just remember thinking how exciting it was that you were talking. Here I am at age three and I am just praying for your words to make a come back. I am coming to the realization that I may not have “typical” experiences with you. I am learning to relish in what is you. Who you are. What makes you happy. I had dreamed of large parties with all our family and friends and maybe some kids from your daycare to come celebrate with us. One thing you don’t care for is crowds. So we scale back on your birthday. That is perfect for you. Perfect for me. You are not into characters or specific toys. Your love for  simple yoga ball, trampoline, pasta, or outdoor time is what makes you happy. So my boy that is what you will get.

This past year has been just excruciating, humbling, and also so so rewarding.  I no longer look at the world the same. I do not see people in the same light.So, Dylan on your third birthday I want you to know that while your parents are constantly trying to give you the world you have already given us the world and then some. You continue to give people gifts everywhere you go. With your love for life, hugs and kisses, and simple things like your love of the wind in your face. You are a breath of fresh air when life seems confusing and hard. This year will be the best one yet! Happy Birthday my sweet sweet baby boy.

Love,

Your momma

2 thoughts on “A quiet Birthday

  1. I related so much to this. My oldest was laid on my chest and was immediately calm when he was born. He regressed with language and social skills from 20-24 months. Birthdays are rough. He started developmental preschool in November and we are already seeing great strides. Good luck to you and your baby boy.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s